Storytime with Harry
by iNiGmA
Summary: Harry tells his children the most possibly ridiculous story about 5th year. Albus is ungrateful. Lily is annoyed. And James is certain Dad's drunk. Is he, though? And by the time he's done, do the kids still not want to hear how he met... someone who is, in fact, not their mother? Or are they 10% interested? A sweet and funny family tale.


_**A/N:** I have several things to say about this... but I think I'll say them all at the end! :)_

 _._

 _ **Disclaimer:**_ _Everything Harry Potter belongs to our queen, JK Rowling!_

 _Otherwise, this story is a work of fiction, and any non-HP original characters, their names and adventures are purely a product of my imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental and fictitious._

* * *

 **Storytime with Harry**

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It was a dark and stormy night. Rain lashed harshly against the windows of the Potter residence. The house shuddered as the storm beat heavily upon it. In the living room, Harry's three very confused children sat on the couch across from him, scowling. Fifteen-year-old Albus Severus, who was sitting in the middle – because of course he was the middle child – folded his arms across his chest and glared at Harry, as if daring him to continue. James Sirius, who was seventeen and much too old for this, lounged casually across the left arm of the couch, his expression amused, lured in by the promise of hours of entertainment at Albus's expense. And finally, on the right edge of the couch sat Lily Luna, who was staring at Harry as if she couldn't quite comprehend him.

"Kids," Harry said, eyeing each of them in turn, "before you head off to Hogwarts tomorrow, together for the very last time, I'm going to tell you an incredible story. A completely bizarre story. The story of how I – _well not I exactly_ , but almost I – went on an incredible adventure. To an alternate universe."

"Are we being punished for something?" Albus asked sulkily.

"No," Harry said. "This is what they call bonding time, Albus. I thought we covered this last year."

"But, Dad, is this going to take a while?" Lily whined. "I'm thirteen, you know, and much too old for story time. _And_ I've got to finish packing!"

"Yes!" Harry said brightly. "It is. So settle down!

"Now, courtesy of Albus here"– Harry gestured at Albus and smiled brightly –"we're all sufficiently familiar with the concept of alternate realities." Albus scowled. "So, I'm going to tell you all a story about an alternate reality," Harry continued, "which branched off from my 5th year at Hogwarts. It takes place in 1995… and 1996… and 2006… and also 2003, I suppose. Oh, and this is a reality in which the three of you may, or may not, exist."

"Have you been having a go at Uncle Ron's Firewhiskey, Dad?" James asked seriously.

"JAMES, I AM YOUR FATHER!" Harry thundered. "You can't ask me these things! And the answer to your question is no."

"Just checking. Because you know, I'm an adult now, and I mean I'm practically the same age you were when you had me. In fact–"

"Sometimes," Harry said, eyeing his eldest son with some concern, "I have serious regrets about not sending you to a Muggle primary school before you went off to Hogwarts – where they teach things like maths _. Serious regrets_ , James!"

Just then Ginny walked into the room. She had a quill and parchment in one hand, and a piece of beef jerky in the other.

"Oh, there you all are," she said, looking up from her notes. She looked around at their assembled faces on the couch and rolled her eyes. "Oh _no_ , Harry, are you really telling them _that_ story?"

"Well," Harry said reasonably, "aren't you curious what could've been, Ginny, if things had turned out differently?"

"Hmm," Ginny said, gazing around at them all, "no."

Harry raised his eyebrows at his wife's utter lack of curiosity.

"Weelll," Ginny expounded, "I have three wonderful children – who _didn't_ manage to destroy the whole wizarding world last year, despite some truly spectacular efforts. Voldemort is gone, and I have a husband who, while he can be a bit dense at times, is not only famous, but he also cooks. Husband lottery, Harry! Did I mention this is the last of your batch of homemade jerkies, by the way? Anyway, I think I'm good with things exactly as they are." She grinned at them all, bit off a piece of the beef jerky, and hurried out of the room. The children watched her go with some envy. Albus scowled.

"All right," Harry said. "So. Twenty-six years ago, when I was a tender young man of fifteen, wrestling with a lot of emotions I didn't quite understand, _like Albus here_ "– Albus scowled again and glared at his father –"I found myself on the Hogwarts grounds on a night in late October, facing down an attack from Voldemort."

"Voldemort didn't attack Hogwarts in October of 1995," Albus said, rolling his eyes.

"Didn't he?" James asked.

"Bloody hell, no! You're such an idiot, James," Albus said, exasperated.

"Stop fighting!" Lily whined. "Or he'll keep talking _all night_!"

"Kids," Harry said, raising his hands for calm. "I told you, this happened in an alternate reality!"

"Whatever," Albus said, rolling his eyes again.

"Right," Harry said, looking around at his kids once more as they settled into a sullen silence. "In October of 1995 – October 20th, to be precise – Voldemort had broken through the wards protecting Hogwarts, along with a small contingent of Death Eaters, and he was launching an attack. His aim? To kill – well – _me_. You know, same old, same old. Let me set the scene for you.

"It was an uncharacteristically cool October night. A cold wind was blowing across the Hogwarts grounds. Shortly before the fight broke out, the night sky had been alight with thousands of stars, but they were obscured now. All you could see was the smoke. And the clashing lights of various spells. They lit up the night, like Muggle fireworks. There were fallen people on the ground – friend and foe alike. And through all this, Voldemort was advancing on me, slowly but surely.

"As he stepped closer to me, he said my name in a low hiss – and I won't lie, this was pretty terrifying. Just something about Voldemort saying your name with all that pent-up anger… well anyway. 'You have evaded me for far too long,' he told me. He planned to end it all that night, you see. There was no one around to help… And I wasn't in a good place. It had only been a few months, since the graveyard. Since Cedric…"

Harry broke off abruptly, looking down, and Albus – despite his stony mask of disinterest – glanced over at his father, remembering the graveyard they had visited together just a few months past.

"Anyway," Harry said, his voice rough, and Albus looked away again, "I didn't have the confidence, to fight him off that night. I was afraid. I could see the glow of the lights from Hogwarts, and I couldn't believe that I was seeing Voldemort himself break into my place of safety.

"He promised to kill me, right then. He said he would destroy me, like he had destroyed the wards of Hogwarts. And when I asked him what the bloody hell he was waiting for, his lips had stretched back into a hideous travesty of a smile. I can still remember this so clearly… _as if it had actually happened to me._

"He raised his wand and said, 'I see you're finally tired of running. Very well.' And I had closed my eyes… because I couldn't stand to keep going like this. To have anyone else die on my behalf. And then I heard their voices, ringing out through the night. They called my name – your Uncle Ron and Aunt Hermione – and their friendship gave me so much strength.

"Voldemort's lips were curled into the coldest of sneers as they moved to form the words of the Killing Curse. And in that moment, I knew I couldn't just give up."

Albus, James, and Lily were finally staring at Harry intently, hanging on to his every word.

"My hand moved," Harry whispered, and they leant in, so they wouldn't miss a word, "of its own volition. I said the first spell that came to mind. _Protego_. I didn't know if it would do any good."

"Yeah, that doesn't seem like it would work out," Albus said, unable to contain himself. "Do we not exist in this alternate reality because you're actually dead?"

"Shut _up_ , Al!" Lily cried. "What happened next, Dad?"

"Well," Harry said, pausing in his retelling, " _actually_ , Albus is correct. Typically, there's no defending against the Killing Curse – probably unless you're me, anyway – so, kids, if you ever find yourself in a situation where someone is throwing an A.K. at you, I suggest you run. Immediately. _And zig zag_."

" _Zig zag?_ " Lily said dubiously.

James closed his eyes, a pained expression on his face, and whispered, "Ah yes. If only."

"If only," Albus repeated.

They looked at each other, momentarily united in reminiscence, before remembering that one was a Gryffindor and the other a Slytherin, and that this was all beside the point anyway, because they were brothers and their life's purpose was to make each other miserable – not to hold open the freaking door for emotion to get though.

"So what happened next?" Lily pressed. "What happened to you, or your alternate self, or whatever?"

"Well," Harry said, "there was an explosion. The Killing Curse hit my Shield Charm, and there was a lot of bright light, and then I think there was a twister. I'm a little hazy on the details, to be honest. And then I hit my head, and I woke up in London. In Muggle London, mind you. In a Muggle hospital, in fact. Oh, and it was also 2006."

" _You slept for eleven years?_ " Lily gasped.

"Not exactly," Harry said. "But it will all become clear, I promise.

"So I woke up, and I was in this hospital, hooked up to all these Muggle contraptions. For a second, I thought Dumbledore had actually shipped me back off to the Dursleys. _Can you imagine_?" He let out an amused chuckle as his kids looked on. "But, thank Merlin, that's not what happened at all.

"Anyway, I looked around the room in confusion, trying to get my bearings, and then the door burst open, and Ron and Hermione ran in. Or at least, _that's what I thought_. They seemed pretty relieved I was awake, and I was just as relieved to see them, because I didn't know where the bloody hell I was.

" _So I asked them where I was,_ and they said I was in Charing Cross Hospital in London, and that I had a concussion. And then they started babbling about a falling light and a set. I'd never been more confused in my life. Oh, and they called me Dan."

"Dan?" James said blankly.

"Yes," Harry nodded, a bemused expression on his face. "They told me that my name was Daniyel Bluelake. That _their_ names were Ella and Robert. That I was an actor in some film. And that there'd been an accident on set, something about an exploding light, that had sent me to the hospital. It went a little like this:

"Ella, the girl I thought was Hermione, turned to Rob, and told him in a stage whisper, 'Oh my God, Rob, he thinks he's _actually_ Harry.'

"I was completely bewildered as to why she thought this was an adequate response to my questions about _what in the world_ had happened, and _where_ Voldemort had gone, and _why_ Dumbledore had sent me here, so I asked her, 'What are you talking about?! I _am_ Harry. Who else would I be?'

"And then they told me to calm down and decided it would be best to run and grab a nurse to make sure I hadn't entirely lost my marbles. And I wasn't having this, of course, because the entire thing was completely insane, so I asked them to wait because I had to find out what was happening, and why Ron and Hermione were pretending to be other people. Maybe Voldemort had done something to them. Or to me… it was really impossible to tell. So I told them I had a wicked headache, which was entirely true, and asked them to explain what happened in detail to see if I could make better sense of it.

"So the girl, Ella, she said that they were 'on the set, shooting the scene with Voldemort, and one of the lights caught fire.' According to her, it almost flattened me – at this point her voice cracked, and I graciously assumed that she wouldn't've been a fan of that particular outcome – but anyway the light had just missed. And then, she said something _really_ interesting: 'They said you have a concussion, so that's probably why you can't remember… but Harry Potter isn't really real… it's just a story. You play Harry in the movie, but we're all just, you know… Muggles.'

"So at this point, I very nearly had an identity crisis. 'What is this movie called?' I asked her. I don't really know how I managed to say the words calmly and not scream them, as Dumbledore was prone to doing sometimes, but my voice was incredibly controlled. 'I can't seem to recall.'

"They looked at each other again, as if fearful for my sanity, and then Rob said, ' _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_.' And I was thinking, _what the bloody hell is that?_ Because you see, this was an alternate reality, and I didn't know about the Order.

"So at this point, I was incredibly confused, as you can probably imagine. I started to wonder if I'd lost my mind, and if maybe I wasn't a wizard at all, and my whole life had been a dream. Maybe I'd just hit my head so hard that I couldn't remember. So I did the only logical thing I could think of, and asked them for my wand.

"They looked at me like I was mad again, but they seemed inclined to humor me, so Ella handed over my belongings. The hospital had placed them in a little plastic bag, and, thank Merlin, my wand was in there.

"So I took it out, and then I was having this internal debate, like, _should_ _I try and do some magic?_ What if there _was no magic_ , and it didn't work, and then they locked me up in the psych ward? I mean no one wants that. But in the end, I _am_ a Gryffindor – sorry, Albus – so I decided, what the hell, I'm going to go for it.

"So I looked around the room for a bit, saw a pot of flowers on the windowsill, and I raised my wand and Accio-ed it over. _Oh Merlin, you should've seen the looks on their faces._ Ella actually dropped her purse.

"So after I did that, they seemed a little more inclined to take me at my word. I explained to them, again, that as they could see, I was, _most definitely_ a wizard. And I assured them that my name _was_ , in fact, Harry Potter. Not Daniyel Bluelake. Not Dan. And then I asked them, again, to explain what the bloody hell was going on here.

"And then, if you'll believe this, Ella picked up her purse and handed me a book. And a drawing of me and your Uncle Ron was on the cover. And it outlined the full story of my second year at Hogwarts. Down to the last tinniest detail! _I was a children's action hero, kids._ Muggles were spending their childhoods reading the story of my life, and they didn't even know I was real. They didn't think Hogwarts was real. But they _all_ wanted to go. How bizarre is that?"

"It's not _any more bizarre_ than the whole entirety of your story," Albus said seriously. "Shocking as this may sound, I think I'm with James on that Firewhiskey."

"I told you!" James said. "I told you, he was–"

"Be quiet!" hissed Lily, who was entirely invested. "So they _really_ weren't Aunt Hermione and Uncle Ron? They weren't _pretending_? Or did Voldemort trap you in some kind of mental attack, and you were imagining all this? _What happened?!_ "

"Well," Harry said, ignoring his ungrateful sons and focusing only on his daughter – who was now his pride and joy, "I looked through the book in shock, and I told them, 'This – this is my life! My second year at Hogwarts!'

"And Ella nodded, and while she admitted that I was clearly very much alive, she said, 'There's no Harry Potter here. There's no magic. It doesn't exist. It's just a book – a fantasy.'

"Rob seemed equally flummoxed, and eloquently announced that he just didn't understand how this could've happened. As he put it, 'One minute Daniyel was here, about to shoot the fight with Voldemort, and then the explosion… the light fell down… and BANG! It's you! Holy shit, mate! You're a real wizard!'

"And I _was_ , indeed, a real wizard. Obviously. So I put down the book and started trying to sort this mess out. 'I was fighting Voldemort,' I told them. 'He used the Killing Curse on me, but it didn't exactly connect. Maybe it happened at the same time as your explosion. Maybe–'

"And here Ella jumped on the speculation-train and said, 'Maybe the explosion and Voldemort's attack caused a rift in the space-time continuum!' She was very excited about this possibility, and I would later come to learn that she was a big comic book fanatic. Muggle comics, of course. 'Maybe, we _do_ all really exist in a multiverse, and somewhere out there, in another dimension, Hogwarts is _really_ _real_!'

"Well it _was real_ , all right. I could certainly attest to that. I decided that, bloody hell… all this was like a giant Time-Turner accident, minus the Time-Turner. _Sorry again, Albus._ Anyway that was the best way I could describe it at the time.

"So while Ella and I were sorting this out, Rob was clearly contemplating things on a deeper level, because he cut in and said, 'That's all swell, but parallel universes aside, I think you're both forgetting something.'

"And now I'm sure there were a lot of things we were forgetting, or just not addressing, but this was the big one. So we stared at him, puzzled, and he threw up his hands in frustration and said, 'Harry, if you're here, then where the bloody hell is Daniyel?!'

"And, well, that was a whole other can of flobberworms. As you can imagine."

"Oh Merlin," Lily gasped. "Was he – _was he at Hogwarts?!_ "

"Would this story be any good if he wasn't?" Harry asked seriously.

"So…" Albus said slowly, "is this like an alternate universe _within_ an alternate universe? Like do you _actually_ expect us to believe that some Muggle actor went to Hogwarts and pretended he was you, but not _you_ , because the you in this story is _not actually you_ , even though you're recounting this for us _in first person_? Bloody hell, this is so convoluted. I think _I_ need a Firewhiskey."

" _You most certainly do not!_ " Harry said, doing his best Molly Weasley impersonation. "Not until you're at least… hmmm, what _is_ the drinking age for wizards anyway? I've forgotten."

"They call that memory loss _old age,_ Dad," James said helpfully. "I mean you're practically ancient! You're what? Twenty-five?"

" _Forty-one, James_. I'm forty-one. Merlin. You know it's not too late to revisit the Muggle primary school idea… or better yet, maybe after you finish Hogwarts you can go to a community college..."

"Forty-one!" James cried. "There you are! No wonder you can't remember anything!"

"Oh, James," Harry said, keeping his voice amazingly level, "one day, I'll have to thank you for the amazing patience I've discovered I possess. If I went back to Hogwarts right now, the Sorting Hat might _even_ put me in Hufflepuff."

" _Aw, Dad_ , I'm sure Hufflepuff would be happy to have you!" James said brightly. "I'm only joking, by the way. I know how old you are."

"Are you?" Harry said warily. "Are you _really_?"

"But what happened to him?" Lily breathed, interrupting. "What happened to Dan?!"

"Well, I'm getting to that," Harry said, leaning back in his chair and re-focusing on his daughter. "You see, it's a bit complicated. We would have to be switched back. I mean, obviously… but the circumstances of that were…" He paused, contemplating his next words. Despite their feigned disinterest, James and Albus leaned closer to him along with Lily, the three of them hanging on to his every word.

"Weeellll," Harry said again, intertwining his fingers restlessly, "er – to be honest, I didn't expect you all to be so interested. I was kind of hoping you'd all run off by now, because the truth is, I've been making this all up as we've gone along. And I really haven't the faintest as to what happens next."

"WHAT!" Lily cried.

"Are you – are you serious?" Albus said. "This whole time?"

"Let me guess," James said, before Harry could answer. "Always. The answer's always ' _always'_ , isn't it?"

"I DON'T BELIEVE IT!" Lily yelled furiously. "YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE IT THERE! WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?!"

"Well," Harry said brightly. "I woke up, and I found myself with an amazing wife and three wonderful children, who only hate me some of the time." He grinned. "Now run along and finish packing, all of you. I'll drop by with your back-to-school gifts soon. And perhaps by the time you come home for Christmas, I'll figure out what happens next."

"Agh. _Fine!_ " Lily scowled, folding her arms angrily, and flung herself back against the couch with considerable force.

James jumped up immediately. "Cool story, Pops. Cya around!" He practically flew from the room.

"I guess that was passable bonding time," Albus said when James had vanished. "I'll think back on this fondly when I'm training with the pigeons, and _maybe_ I won't have them all fly at your head at once."

"Appreciate that, Al," Harry said, as his youngest son left the room. Lily eyed Harry evenly, and then she smiled at him.

"That was a really good story, Dad. You should write a book! Sorry I was mean to you." She jumped off the couch and headed towards the door. She paused on the threshold, glancing back at her father. "Honestly, I wanna know what happens next. You better have it all sorted out by Christmas."

"I'll do my best," Harry said, smiling.

When all three children had left the room, Harry sighed and then stood up slowly, his knees creaking. Perhaps James was right, and he _was_ ancient. He'd have to make more of an effort to get to the Quidditch Gym with Ginny. _I'll go tomorrow_ , he promised himself. He headed towards the door. Ginny was standing just outside it, now licking a lemon ice pop.

"Chickened out, have you?" she asked, amused.

"Just a bit," Harry admitted. "But hey, Lily thinks I should write a book! They think I'm clever, Gin!"

"OK, Harry," Ginny said, laughing, "that's adorable. But seriously, when will you let this alternate reality story go? The way you go on, it's almost as if you believe it. Do you actually _want_ to be an actor in Muggle London?"

"No…"

"Are you sure? Is this what they call a mid-life crisis?"

"No," Harry said seriously, "you're confusing me with Hermione and her House-Elf Yoga Retreat. I'm telling you, Ginny, this really happened! I saw it all, in a dream _._ And you _know_ how my dreams are _always_ 100% accurate."

Ginny laughed so hard tears of mirth formed in her eyes. "Harry," she said, chuckling, "if Ron finds out you _actually_ think there's a Muggle actor somewhere out there who played out your life story, he'll never… _you know what,_ that could be _really_ amusing at our next game night…"

She took off down the hallway, still chuckling, as Harry gaped after her _. Would his own wife betray him so?_

"I _was_ going to go to the gym with you, Ginny!" he called after her retreating back. "But now I'm incredibly offended!"

"I'll have to make it up to you," she called back, winking at him over her shoulder.

Harry stared as she disappeared down the hall. A deadline! Well, this certainly changed things. He'd have to tell them all everything now. And bloody hell, was that going to get complicated. But it had been several months since his life had last been complicated, and complicated was generally the normal state of things, which made life more exciting, so he'd have to thank her later.

Just then, a yell erupted from the second floor, shaking the whole house: "ALBUS! WHERE IS MY INVISIBILITY CLOAK?! ALBUS FREAKING SEVERUS, GET OVER HERE, YOU LITTLE–"

"Ah," Harry said, smiling to himself as the upstairs of his house dissolved into a cacophony of screaming, shrieks, and stomping footsteps. "Ginny's right… family lottery. For sure."

He rolled up his sleeves and stomped upstairs, adding his own footsteps to the mix. He would have to sort out his complicated life later. There were children to disentangle.

* * *

 _ **A/N:** Thank you so much for reading! I hope you guys enjoyed this little one-shot. I had so much fun writing it!_

 _If you're a bit confused... this is another one of those stories I wrote for the_ _Platform 9 ¾ short story contest. The theme was charms/potions accidents. I was very deep into my other project, **Trading Places,** at the time and had trouble getting out of that universe, so after making several halfhearted attempts at something else, I came up with this - which is a a bit of a parody of the first chapter of Trading Places (and also How I Met Your Mother). Trading Places is a long and intense drama/action story, but it has elements that work pretty well as a comedy, so I thought it might be fun to have Harry tell his children the story of TP, as if it actually happened to him. In HIMYM style. The setup here is entirely canon, and CC inspired. I should mention that this story is not in any way actually connected to TP, so there are no spoilers for TP here, aside from bits of the first chapter. If you do want to check out TP after reading this, you can find it on my page. Otherwise, I hope you enjoyed my attempt at comedy! And if you're still reading this, thanks for sticking around! _

_On a side note, reviews are my favorite thing, and January is my birthday month! :)_

 _Rina_


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